An alienated Father is reunited with his sons.

After nearly three years of frequent court engagement, Mark is reunited with his boys.

Several years ago, while living at an apartment in Roanoke, I met Mark at an outdoor event the same weekend he had his boys for weekend visitation.  A few days later, we ran into each other at the mailboxes and later bumped into him again at a local restaurant.  It was there we had an opportunity to chat, and he mentioned he was going through a divorce and had a complicated relationship with his boys. I asked him to explain what was complicated about his relationship, and he described acts of parental alienation used by his wife.  I shared with him the long road of alienation I endured from my daughter.   I recommended a few local professionals he should consider using to help him with his wife’s acts of alienation.

 

A few months passed, and I received a text inviting me to dinner; he said he had questions about PA, and I agreed to meet.  At dinner, he explained that his wife was very controlling and argumentative.  He suspected she was having an affair but admitted he didn’t have proof other than his firm belief that she was doing so. Moreover, he said his wife was turning his boys against him, but he could not explain why, nor could he easily discuss this.  I gave him some examples of my former wife’s acts of alienation, and he quickly identified with those tactics.

For a few years, Mark and I meet for dinner monthly to discuss the latest news of his court requests and build a friendship.  Our meetings made me realize the mistakes I made during the heightened conflict of PA.  As an alienated parent, I shared my former lack of inner strength during the early days.  Mark is a Registered Nurse and works in the local Emergency Room. His former wife also works as a registered nurse at the same hospital.

The discovery of similarities and contrasts between Mark and me is worth noting.  Hopefully, as I share these points, the information may help you, the reader, during your time as an alienation parent. 

Mark knew his pathway required a divorce.  He reminded me early on that, for some reason, she stopped loving him.  She refused to attend counseling or try healing their relationship.  He was willing to close out the past with his wife and agree to divorce.  In my case, even though my former wife cheated on me, I was devastated by her rejection, and I did everything possible to hold onto the hope of a marriage with her.  I regret this now, but I begged her to reconsider and work towards a hopeful future.  At the time of alienation, I was a weak male, dependent upon her validation.  This was something Mark was not seeking- validation.

Mark recognized early on he should focus only on raising and protecting his sons.  He took bold legal steps early on and never backed down from his plan.  In my case, I could have quickly gained full custody when my former wife abandoned us, but once again, I failed to focus.  My daughter and I could not abandon the hope of our family unit, despite the fact that my former wife showed me every day, it was time to end it. 

War, forgiveness, and renewal

I’ve learned a valuable lesson from enduring Parental Alienation: there is a time for war, forgiveness, and renewal.  Never blur these lines when you realize your relationship is at risk with your children.   You must engage in a battle plan and provoke war against the agitating parent to solidify your relationship with your children first. If you do not, you may discover as I have, that my daughter is now an adult, and she is still alienated from me.  I’ve used this lesson of war, forgiveness, and renewal in other areas of my life, and doing so has cleared the pathway to victory. 

A Great Ending

A few weeks ago, Mark called asking to meet for dinner and he shared great news.   After nearly three years in court and involving four professionals in long-term studies and in-home studies, he was able to prove the mother was alienating the kids from him.  The professionals supported a change in custody, allowing him to have shared physical custody. The boys will now live with both parents two full months with each parent. Open records for both medical and school are now provided to both parents, and during the summer, each parent gets one full month with the boys.  The boys are now 8 and 9.

As alienated parents, we celebrate Mark and the boy’s reunion.

Love is the greatest defender,

Darel L. Long